Making a feature film is hard. It’s expensive, time consuming, and takes courage to present an idea to the public, opening yourself up to criticism. I commend anyone passionate enough about the craft of filmmaking and the story they have to tell to put in the kind of work it requires. Which is why I’m not going to say that watching “The Velocipastor” is a waste of time, just that it simply wasn’t for me.
“The Velocipastor” is about a pastor who goes to China and learns the ancient art of how to turn into a dinosaur and attack people. When he comes back to America, he befriends a prostitute, kills her pimp, argues with the church, and fights white, Christian, drug trafficking ninjas.
Yes, I’m aware “The Velocipastor” is meant to be bad. I know that it was made because an autocorrect mistake made a couple of college kids laugh and wasn’t meant to be read into any more than that. I know it’s an extended version of a YouTube video with a budget of $36,000 that was funded by the filmmaker’s mom’s friend. So for that reason, I will say that if you are looking to watch a 75 minute feature with the vibes of a Smosh video, this is the film for you. And if that is you, there is no judgment here. I’m glad you’re happy. But this is my review about my experience.
I love parody movies. “Walk Hard,” “Spinal Tap,” and “Austin Powers” are classics in their own right. They make fun of something, but you can still tell that they are made with a love of what they are parodying and the art of filmmaking. Where I think parody gets lost is when that love for the original subject and craft get undermined by insincerity. I don’t believe the creators of “The Velocipastor” are fans of cult movies or low budget action, it just seems like they had a pun and a poster and made up the rest on the spot. This would have been a great cutaway gag in “30 Rock,” but there is honestly not really a reason to watch the whole thing unless you’re high and this is playing in the background at a party or something. The joke of “isn’t this movie so bad?” gets old after a few minutes and just becomes boring to watch, which is impressive to do when a dinosaur is ripping a ninja’s limbs off.
I’m sure the cast and crew had a lot of fun making this, the same way children have fun playing made up scenarios on the playground. And for that, I’m happy for them. Just usually, playing pretend doesn’t cost $36,000 and premiere in film festivals. “The Velocipastor 2” has finished filming, though, so what do I know.
Fun Rating: 1/5
Quality Rating: 1/5
